I have problems with my papers for a few months now.
It was a hard and actually a painful journey because my parents invested their time, money and effort because of this dreams and ambitions of mine.
The waiting game is excruciating.
Every day that passes is like a week. Every questions of my parents regarding this journey is a torture.
I feel ashamed everyday.
But what keeps me going is the thought that all of these hardships, bumps in the road and pain are worth it. All of these will pay off. And all of these will give a comfortable future for my family and a well-deserved retirement for my parents.
My papers are rejected for so many times. It is painful to count how many, but then the options never ran out. After the rejection, another option is laid upon me. So, I never lose hope.
Today, another rejection came up. My brother and mother told me to think about giving up. To think of a fall back. To think of another path.
My brother also sent me this quote:
He said that maybe it is not my door. That whatever prayers I say, I will not get it. That maybe God has different plans for me.
But I refuse to back down. I refuse to believe that this is not my door. I told him that until there is an option to pursue this, I will. Until the last option is presented, I will not give up.
If the door doesn’t open, you might not knocked a little harder, a little longer.
Maybe you didn’t call out and announce your presence a little louder.
Maybe the person at the other end of the door is just testing your patience, your perseverance. Maybe he just wanted to make sure that you really like to open the door that much. That you will do everything and wait tirelessly for the door to open.
Why walk away upon a closed door? You will not know what is inside. You will not know if what inside is what you really want. You will live with what ifs and you will be haunted by that single door you dare not to open because you thought it was not for you.
But then, if the door still doesn’t open after you bruised your knuckles, after you have no voice anymore, maybe you need to find the spare key in the flower pots or under the doormat, or d*mn, just break the f*cking door.
(Because you do not need to settle for a window or the backdoor unless you exerted all your effort in opening that door.)
(Dahil sa lecheng pinto na yan, napa-English tuloy ako. Mali mali pa.)